he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
