did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
