i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
