my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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