the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
