I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
