do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
