Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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