I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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