His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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