I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
honey bunches of taint.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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