Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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