i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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