i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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