if you like me you must not know who I am
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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