dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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