I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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