yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
