Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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