We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
