i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
