I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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