So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
