i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
