I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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