So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
