yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
