this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
