i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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