So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
