I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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