did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
