Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
