im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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