I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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