it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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