She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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