True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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