I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
