how can u be prego again
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
