remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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