She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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