I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize