You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
