You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
