Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
