I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
