I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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