Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
