Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize