I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
what day is it and did you see me today?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
