You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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