make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The uberlube is also flammable
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
