That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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