Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
