so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
