Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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