I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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