omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
