That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
