There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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