Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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