Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
