so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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